Waves of Thoughts

I usually admit to my faults; it’s easy, I know I am far from perfect. I am a woman; mood swings and sensitivity are part of the daily struggle. It is a struggle for ourselves as much as for our loved ones. Even though I admit conflicts can be caused by my feminine issues, today, I was not to blame.

We got home, and as usual, his first concern was his video game console. It’s okay, I understand that after a day at work, he might need to unwind. As the woman in the house, I am expected to put food on the table, and look after the man of the house’s needs, to which I gladly oblige. He puts a roof on my head, food in my stomach, as well as warmth, care and, most of all, love. Before starting up in the kitchen, I sit for a minute, look at my emails and such… For a very short amount of time, then I’m off to the kitchen. And I know what y’all be thinking: he got mad cause she took too long for the food! Hell no! Just wait! It gets worse!

I was cleaning something that leaked in the fridge… and he started yelling at me: LOOK LOOK! “Baby! I’m busy I am cleaning this mess” ITS OK FORGET IT! I KNOW YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT!

I mean, I am glad you are enjoying yourself, but if I am not as interested as you are in game cut scenes. Thats how it all started! Then, as he got done with that game, he went on to another one, for which he threw a controller for me to join him. I was already busy playing my little cheesy game on Facebook, so I said I could help him by checking stuff online instead to which he agreed, no fuss! At some point he needed my help to do a coop thingie and I agreed, but then it went on forever! I even started to get dizzy!

In the meantime, one of my best friend texted me and I had to reply in order to correct her misunderstanding something that she was about to do. But he got mad! And went to bed right away! Once in bed, we got along and played a small trivia game… Had fun but at some point I got sleepy and my legs got crampy… and I was tossing them around which might have end up shoving on of his legs around. He took it the wrong way, got up and said IM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH! I let him go, thinking he was only joking! Five minutes later, as he is not back yet, I got to the living room, and he’s there on the sofa! I approach him as he barks at me to go to sleep! I told him that I didnt understand what was going on, and he said YOU’RE JUST PISSING ME OFF, IT’S BEEN ALL EVENING LONG! I CAN’T HANDLE MORE OF THIS SHIT! I told him “I’m sorry I upset you; I’m sad I did” and went away.

The thing is that Sunny rarely acknowledges the fact that he sparks up a conflict. I think he never really realized it. I tried different approaches, different “rewarding” methods, tried to talk it out, tried to ignore, nothing really works. He gets very irritated when I try to tell him whats wrong if it is about him, and throws the blame on me every time.

How the hell do I fix this! How do I end up telling him that today, it’s on him, without being ignored some more!

Life is good. Enjoy every single moment of it. Whether you are tired, sick, depressed… Get out there, and enjoy your moment. Either it’s with your puppy, with the falling leaves… Maybe you just need to feel the chilly wind on your cheeks (that’s my own fall guilty pleasure.) Get out, and enjoy that pumpkin spice latte, holding your lover hand in hand. Read a book, write out your thoughts. The end of year approaches. I am pretty sure no one wants to end up on January 1st and retrospect on the year that just ended and think to themselves : “What the hell did this year go?” cause that is the worst feeling.  

Every year, when the summer comes close to the end, I can’t help myself but getting excited, eager, about school starting… Is it just me? I can’t wait to get in the daily routine, in the groove of campus buzz and people buzzing around like bees. I am getting tired of having nothing to do. I want homework, I want brain activity. I don’t even remember my student id or my password :P  Pathetic!

Yesterday morning, I left my paradisiac island. I had to come back to reality. That one week was not enough. I keep repeating myself that it was better than nothing; it truly was. I will miss seeing those peaceful and fantastic landscapes. I will miss my family. I will miss the stress-free environment. I will miss my little sister. She is in fact my cousin, but we grew together, even though we are 10 years apart. People mistake her for me, and vice-versa. We have the same character, we look alike (she’s a blonde version of me at her age!), and nonetheless, we love each other like two bonded sisters. Twins. Our family keeps repeating that she is a carbon copy of me. I will miss her dearly. Yesterday, before I left, I even told her how I wish I could adopt her! We feel good when we are together, and we barely feel the 10 years that separate us. We laughed until 3 in the morning everyday, during that single week. Hearing her telling me: “I love you” warmed my heart many, many times. 

She is my bright sunshine, my giggling, wonderful Dominique <3

Being on the topic of heartbreaking friendship…. that old friend of mind still seems to be off the map. Has he been invited to a “confidential mission” for the army and haven’t had the permission to tell anyone? It just seemed like he disappeared overnight. I do know that he was heartbroken when I got involved into a new relationship after breaking up with my ex… We were never at the same point in our life, never at that point where we were both interested in investing into each other. Last time I saw him was awkward. Very awkward. And sad. He had driven 3 hours for what I hadn’t expected to be our last goodbyes. I still think about this often. Not because of him maybe wanting or needing to “break it off”, but more because he didn’t have the balls and the respect to tell me that our friendship was now over. He got his closure, and I didn’t have mine.